Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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