He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
