I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
