Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I currently don't understand fingers.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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