you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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