He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
