He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
