Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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