I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
