my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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