some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
