Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
