I just gift wrapped bread.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
