I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
