none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
