Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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