girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
