That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize