i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
