I think scott just propositioned me for sex
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
