Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
