There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
