I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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