I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize