i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
