His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
