Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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