maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
