Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
