This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
