Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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