His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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