I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
