I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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