Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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