He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
