I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
