Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
