Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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