I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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