you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
