Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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