i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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