Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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