what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
tell me about the eggs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize