So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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