Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
