Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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