I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
