I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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