i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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