I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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