i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
dude. I can hear the air.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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