he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
