why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
