Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
