I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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