Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
