My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
